* Simply take two atoms of hydrogen and bond them (covalently) with one atom of oxygen. Repeat billions of times.
Place the compound in a pre-chilled cloud (zero degrees centigrade, or lower).
Lightly sprinkle huge quantities of the compound evenly across the UK, preferably overnight.
Wait for the fun to ensue.
Yep, once again the nation has been brought to a standstill by a light precipitation of frozen dihydrogen monoxide. But at Speakeasy we always like to look on the bright side. So here is a concise anthology of some of our most memorable experiences with frozen water**.
A fair few years ago now…maybe 10, Mum got a new Renault Clio. It was a Monday. On the Tuesday it snowed: HEAVILY. On Wednesday I skidded on snow – It was a Wednesday that the Clio was no more. She was 3 days old, less than 200 miles on the clock. We don’t talk about it much.
Mark, Perth office
Sledging with my kids, I agreed to race with another Dad. I was in a child’s toboggan, he was in a homemade luge constructed from a garden swing-set nailed to a railway sleeper. I was ahead until we collided, sending his eighteen stone bulk plus railway sleeper over my leg. I pretended it didn’t hurt but was in agony for a week.
Chantal, London office
Saskatchewan to Manitoba on a two-lane highway: I hit a patch of black ice and was taken into the other lane where a huge Semi-truck was coming at me I thought ‘this is it’ then I hit another patch which sent me back into my lane flying over the side and rolled the car 3 times! Landed on all four wheels with the car smushed and back window broken in but my coat, wallet, and address book were all conveniently beside me. A man stopped to help out and ask if I was ok - the first words out of my mouth were ‘ I need to call my mom’.
“I’ll just park it here”. Chantal in her homeland
Back in 1993, Speakeasy’s first office was based in a small village called Luncarty. When it snowed, my dad, being a farmer, often took me to work in his tractor!
My most memorable snow day was in Lapland – it started with a husky dog ride followed by ice fishing then snowmobiling and ended with snowman building in the dark.. Lapland is awesome and everyone should visit!
Most of my snow-based anecdotes are painful and cold: when I was in Primary school I got into BIG trouble for throwing a snowball at a teacher. I looked around and all my friends, who’d been gaily throwing snowballs with me, had “melted” away, leaving me to take the blame. I am still scarred.
To impress a potential boyfriend I claimed I was a keen snowboarder. To this day I have no idea why – I have never been further than Matson dry ski-slope when I was 14. Obviously I eventually had to come clean. We’re still together. I apologised using this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-r2BARj6Oo
On hearing a curious knocking noise outside my flat I opened my velux window, two floors up, to find myself face-to-face with a fireman. He was knocking the huge icicles off the eves…alledgedly.
“Yes Miss Bett, It’s actually easier to knock off the icicles if I stand inside your shower room”
(**The solid form of most substances is denser than the liquid phase. However, frozen water is less dense than liquid water, so ice floats in liquid water. And gin).