* Simply take two atoms of hydrogen and bond them (covalently) with one atom of oxygen. Repeat billions of times.
Place the compound in a pre-chilled cloud (zero degrees centigrade, or lower).
Lightly sprinkle huge quantities of the compound evenly across the UK, preferably overnight.
Wait for the fun to ensue.
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Yep, once again the nation has been brought to a standstill by a light precipitation of frozen dihydrogen monoxide. But at Speakeasy we always like to look on the bright side. So here is a concise anthology of some of our most memorable experiences with frozen water**.
Chris, Perth
A fair few years ago now…maybe 10, Mum got a new Renault Clio. It was a Monday. On the Tuesday it snowed: HEAVILY. On Wednesday I skidded on snow – It was a Wednesday that the Clio was no more. She was 3 days old, less than 200 miles on the clock. We don’t talk about it much.
Mark, Perth office
Sledging with my kids, I agreed to race with another Dad. I was in a child’s toboggan, he was in a homemade luge constructed from a garden swing-set nailed to a railway sleeper. I was ahead until we collided, sending his eighteen stone bulk plus railway sleeper over my leg. I pretended it didn’t hurt but was in agony for a week.
Chantal, London office
Saskatchewan to Manitoba on a two-lane highway: I hit a patch of black ice and was taken into the other lane where a huge Semi-truck was coming at me I thought ‘this is it’ then I hit another patch which sent me back into my lane flying over the side and rolled the car 3 times! Landed on all four wheels with the car smushed and back window broken in but my coat, wallet, and address book were all conveniently beside me. A man stopped to help out and ask if I was ok - the first words out of my mouth were ‘ I need to call my mom’.
“I’ll just park it here”. Chantal in her homeland
Shona, Perth
Back in 1993, Speakeasy’s first office was based in a small village called Luncarty. When it snowed, my dad, being a farmer, often took me to work in his tractor!
Sam, London
My most memorable snow day was in Lapland – it started with a husky dog ride followed by ice fishing then snowmobiling and ended with snowman building in the dark.. Lapland is awesome and everyone should visit!
Kathryn, Perth
Most of my snow-based anecdotes are painful and cold: when I was in Primary school I got into BIG trouble for throwing a snowball at a teacher. I looked around and all my friends, who’d been gaily throwing snowballs with me, had “melted” away, leaving me to take the blame. I am still scarred.
Lesley, London
To impress a potential boyfriend I claimed I was a keen snowboarder. To this day I have no idea why – I have never been further than Matson dry ski-slope when I was 14. Obviously I eventually had to come clean. We’re still together. I apologised using this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-r2BARj6OoSimone, Perth
On hearing a curious knocking noise outside my flat I opened my velux window, two floors up, to find myself face-to-face with a fireman. He was knocking the huge icicles off the eves…alledgedly.
“Yes Miss Bett, It’s actually easier to knock off the icicles if I stand inside your shower room”
(**The solid form of most substances is denser than the liquid phase. However, frozen water is less dense than liquid water, so ice floats in liquid water. And gin).
